A Total Loss

09:36:52AM 08/02/05

Its funny how one single moment, one tiny event in your life can totally and completely set your entire life spinning out of orbit. As some of you can tell from my previous post not all is well here in beefville anyway. I haven't quite put a finger on it yet but something seems to be misfiring in my brain . I cant seem to pick myself back up and start peddling the bike anymore. Even though you know how to ride the bike, I mean shit you have done it hundreds of times you seem to forget how to peddle all of a sudden and there you are, sprawled out on the pavement. Either that or you just don't want to peddle anymore. Maybe you are just too exhausted or maybe you just don't give a shit. Then again maybe you want to throw the fuckin bike into the dumpster and go out and get yourself a fuckin car. Why peddle your ass off when you can ride in style?

What the fuck am I talking about?

So I was going to tell you about this innocuous moment that split my life into this alternate reality. My mother, god bless her soul, picked me up a PC game for my birthday. Yes I am 31 and I asked her for a PC game for my birthday, this is how pathetic my life is. So I put my girlfriend to bed Saturday night, it was nice, she was happy, I was happy and I sat at my PC, pretty content with my surroundings and figured Id load up the new game, play for a while and drink wine and pop a painkiller until I pass out. Well unfortunately I was unable to get the game to run on my PC, it was a million to one shot that it wouldn't run and I couldn't fuckin believe it. What a rip.

24 hours later I was face down in my bed racked with anxiety, all these people buzzing around my head asking me "where the fuck had I been" and blah blah blah. Did I mention my bank account was half empty? Did I mention I slept for 2 days after that? I had to eat valium like tic tacs and hide in my room to escape the pure pain of embarrassment and total loss.

It took 2 days to get Jess to come around. I don't know about anyone else cuz I haven't seen or talked to anyone in three days except my Mother who would pop her head in here and there to try and pep me up and give me the old "pull yerself up by the bootstraps" talks. She tries but there are no bootstraps to pull anymore. It is Tuesday. I am at work. I didn't come in yesterday and I was late today but that doesn't really matter since I forgot my time card anyway. Its only a matter of time now.

So I am not sure what the next step is from here. It's been a long time since I fucked up this bad and the funny thing is I'm not surprised. I have been feeling and acting strange lately. That old beast is trying to fight its way out of me again. Its not the "live on the streets, shoot drugs be a loser beast" either though he is always there. Its the beast that was screaming at the kitchen clock this morning, the one yelling "FUCK YOU! You do not dictate my life! I will leave when I goddamn please, I will eat my granola bar right here in my kitchen and take my goddamn time doing it! Fuck you!"

Now some of you are thinking of calling the whitecoates and having me committed and not that I would totally be against that idea but I don't think that's the solution. That's the scary part. I do not know what the solution is. Now before anyone gets all up in arms Im not talking about that solution. I'm not planning to go out like some punk bitch. I have too much respect for my loved ones for that. I have no idea where this alternate reality is heading. Hopefully Donnie Darko or someone will come along and close up this goddamn wormhole and I will wake up at my PC with that stupid game loading into my computer, my girlfriend sleeping soundly in the next room and I will be sitting there, with a grin on my face and slowly nodding off from the effects of the wine.

Then I awake on Sunday morning. The sun is coming through my windows and it is 9am. I laugh out loud as I shake the remnants of the terrible dream I had. Surprisingly I feel alive and awake and I am already making plans for the day.

Life is good.


09:36:52AM 08/02/05

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