Apparently Justin's new diet is keeping him away from beef in all forms, so I've taken it upon myself to temporarily usurp his throne and proclaim myself to be the interim Beefmaster.
My name is Admiral Hellcats, and I work with Justin. There isn't much to do where we work, so if I can't read new installments of the Daily Beef, I figure it's just as well to create some of my own. If you're reading this on Justin's blog, it means that he was either very impressed with my writing ability, or just too lazy to write something himself. And if you're not reading this.... Well, I don't really have to address people who aren't reading this, do I? It's just simple logic.
So on with the show....
Having never blogged before, I figured I'd have to come at it from an interesting angle. Having been a long time (re: two month) reader of Justin's blog, however, I felt when I decided to do this that it would be fair to keep with the spirit of his rants. Upon closer inspection of Justin's rants, I found that they can be broken down into three categories:
1. Biting political and social satire
2. The obligatory "sorry I haven't updated in a while" posts.
3. Drunken, medicated gibberish .
So, in the interest of keepin' faithful while still putting my own stank on this thang, I think I'm gonna trim the fat and keep my beef lean. I'm going to rip into the pop culture news machine like a cougar into a carcass. It's two thirty in the morning, I'm chock full of Whopper Juniors and Tab Energy, and I'm staring down the Google News page like it just made a pass at my mom.
What's the time? It's time to get ill.
First thing's first, What the fuck is going on in Nepal? Everybody's buzzing about protesters over there getting their faces bashed in. Seems some Nepalese folk wanted a taste of that sweet thing called Democracy that we Americans love to take for granted. The king doesn't seem to think that's such a good idea, so all the king's horses and all the king's men have been dispatched to crack some shells. What do I think of all this? Well, first of all, Kings are gay. They were gay in England, they're gay in Chess, and the aforementioned Whopper Juniors sitting in my gut like a rock aren't making me too fond of the King of Burgers, either. Protesters can suck, too, but considering the fact that any time protesters get smacked up their oppressors are unwittingly and instantly giving legitimacy to their cause, these protesters seem to be on the right track. My opinion? Fuck the King of Nepal. If he was so great, he'd be the President. Or at least Prime Minister.
Next up, this headline from the New York Times: "Energy Politics on Earth Day as Bush Tours California." This headline is such a clusterfuck of crazy shit that I almost didn't even want to read the story before commenting on it. But I did, and it wasn't nearly as interesting. Let me pick apart this headline phrase by phrase to show you what I mean.
First of all, "Energy Politics." Given the context, one would assume that this phrase is in reference to the idea of our political body working toward energy conservation to make our country a better, cleaner, less dependent place. But anyone with any notion of hindsight knows that the Politics of Energy have as much to do with politicians improving the energy problems of this great land as the No Child Left Behind act has to do with not leaving any children behind. It's a money and numbers game, and the numbers show that the money isn't in conserving energy; it's in charging me thirty dollars to fill up the tank on my fucking Escort Wagon. Does anyone really believe that a former Texas oil man is going to side with the people who aren't making money selling oil? Of course not. The fact is, gas prices are going to get higher, and we're all going to keep buying it, and the oil companies will find a way to make money and conserve energy at the same time when they're good and ready. In the meantime, let's all stop pretending the federal government has anything to do with it, shall we?
Not only that, but given the fact that the headline states that this tour is taking place in California, a state with the income of a wealthy country that couldn't even solve it's own energy problems without electing an astoundingly under qualified entertainer to replace an astoundingly ineffective politician who was unwittingly allowing his constituency to be fleeced by an astoundingly corrupt corporation, you just know this is something to be taken seriously.
And to top it all off, you've got Bush and Earth Day, a war president who couldn't win as the incumbent without cheating and a holiday that's not even worth drinking on. 'Nuff said.
While I'm reading the news, did anyone hear about this Chinese woman who has lived in America for twenty years getting arrested for yelling at the Chinese president? When I heard about this, I figured she had said some really fucked up shit to make herself seem like a threat... Something along the lines of, oh, I don't know... "I'm going to kill the President of China!", or maybe "I'm going to kill you, Mr. President.... Of China!!!" Based on that assumption, I figured it was probably better that this lady be put away for a while. But let's check out the actual quotes that the federal prosecutor decided were so threatening that the woman might end up in prison for six years, and decide for ourselves, shall we?
1. "Your time is running out."
I can see how this could be threatening. If your time is running out, it could mean that you are going to die soon. It could also mean, however, that you're going to miss a sale at Penney's. Or maybe you're playing Concentration! That sounds like fun. (Actually, it doesn't. Concentration was a shit game, but I don't think we can put people away for talking about it.) Given the context, she probably meant the first thing. But, given the actual wording, she may very well have meant that the time of the president's ideological mindset may be running out; that is, that his ideas, not his existence, may soon cease to have a place in this world. I mean, shit, when I say that Coldplay's time is running out, I don't mean that Chris "I name my kids stupid shit" Martin and his bandmates are going to die soon. I mean that, eventually, people are going to tire of that boring shit. I think you get my drift. Let's look at the next quote, shall we?
2. "Anything you have done will come back to you in this life."
That's not a threat... That's Eastern philosophy. It's called Karma, folks. I don't believe in it, but I don't believe that people who do should be put away. If everyone who didn't believe in the same shit that I do was put away in prison for believing their stupid shit, well... I don't know. I'm too tired to be clever. There would be a lot of people in prison, that's all. And less traffic, I guess.
So, how can we justify putting this woman away? Easy. It wasn't our president; it was China's. After all, when Dubya visits another country where people are allowed to do things that we're not allowed to do in America, we arrest all the people who exercise those freedoms anywhere near him, right? Of course not. This is America, and if the Chinese president doesn't like to be yelled at, maybe he should go back to China and make me some some Chuck Taylors. Fucking asshole.
I was going to talk about Tom Cruise's new baby, but then I remembered that I don't care, and neither do you if you're a decent human being. But in case you're interested, it was stillborn. Too bad.
That's really all I have to say right now. I have to go home and sleep so I can come back to work in a few hours and start all over again. Until next time, stay angry, keep reading, and don't expect Justin to ever let me do this again. After all, I'm making him look bad.
Adios, motherfuckers. -MCS
(Big Ups to MCS for filling in and trying to get the beef back in full swing. If anyone else cares to contribute until JA's eventual return send anything you want to firstname.lastname@example.org
Keep yer eyes peeled, more to come.