Atop Mt. Doom (part two)

The chirping is gone.


The stress level has dropped significantly. There were no apologies or concessions but things have gone back to normal.

Peace and quiet has returned somewhat with the exception of our Kitten who tends to find anything available to cause some type of noise. Its not that bad though, it could be worse. At least he is potty trained .I have been doing a lot of thinking these last few days. I have been playing with the idea of heading out West and leaving behind the cold winter air of NH and see if I can find my way in the sun of the Arizona desert. The freedom to search for answers has been overpowering. Lord Duke as always promised nothing but his support and answered all the questions I had. There is work, there is beautifull land and adventures to be had. This all opened up a conflict like nothing else I have experienced. How much am I willing to sacrifice for peace of mind? Would leaving here be a decision I would regret forever?

I played with the idea with Jess. I wanted to see if moving and starting anew would be something she would be interested in. At first she seemed intrigued though she said it would be a while before we could do such a thing. Soon though she decided that she is happy with her job and even the area in which we lived. I was bummed but not surprised. She has worked hard at her job and she is comfortable there. This just added so much more to the equation. Not only would I alienate some family by shirking off some of my Debt I would be leaving Jess behind.

Suddenly I had to look long and hard at this decision.

This Friday I returned to the Chalet in Maine. I met Dukes hiker friend Blister Sister and Mary Margerita of Texas. Very nice people indeed and we drank and were merry even though the wa conflict in the back of my head was still there, constantly worrying me. What am I going to do? Later, in a semi drunken haze my cousin mapped out the area in AZ in which he lived. He showed me how close we would be to the Mexican border and the cool little town of Bisbee AZ. I have heard so much about Old Bisbee. Still though I went to bed with a heavy heart.

The whole way home the next day I looked forward to seeing Jess again. Even with the impending decisions I still do not like being away from her for very long. It really made me think. The seesaw in my mind had righted itself level again. The call of freedom in the desert on one end and the chance to make a run here and make it work like so many have done before me teetering on the other.

Last night I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy again. I love adventure movies and more so situations of extreme sacrifice for a good cause. I know its only fiction but the perils one can overcome can be so inspirational. Just how much is one person willing to sacrifice? Do I want to work at a shit hole factory for $9 an hour? Do I want to rent off my Parents and live under their roof at the age of 31? Of course not.

But do I have to run thousands of miles away and give up so much to find happiness?

I am starting to think the answers are beginning to come and they are not at all what I expected. Time is short and I have begin to plan out some ideas. A few signs came to me today. I also awoke much calmer then I have in a week. Its time to fight back so to speak and take control of my own destiny and stop giving up so easily.

Every man deserves happiness but not everyone will achieve this. Everyone needs to be able to look themselves in the mirror and say at least they tried and gave it everything they had.

If I was to say that now I would be a liar.

One thing is for sure, I am not going down without a fight. You can count on that.


Looking towards the future,
J