Down the Rabbit hole (part one)

The chirp from above continues just as it has since we returned. The fire alarm that is hard wired into the unfinished upstairs bedroom has been chirping relentlessly since Sunday. After resetting it then replacing the batteries it seemed to stop briefly. Then it began again that evening and continues to hound us, one chirp at a time. Its funny how such a simple little thing can help bridge the gap from annoyance to total insanity. Maybe its a sign. A count down of some sort. Time being shaved from reality one minute at a time.

Chirp

Chirp

Chirp.

Whatchoo gonna do little birdie?

Its been nearly a month since I last posted here. I returned a few times and promised more to come but none did. It has been extremely hard to return. I wrote so much before because I had the perfect set up. I sat at a computer for eight hours a day. I had the internet and more than enough time to jot down my thoughts at any moment. That was then and this is now. When I was unemployed I had no desire to write. I lost all my fire. It always happens that way. I tend to shirk a lot of things when I am living on the frindge between paychecks. Writing, keeping int otuch with friends and even showering. I try only to concentrate on one thing and that is survival. How am I going to get myself out of this mess? I do fix the problems eventually. Somehow I pull it all together at the last second and start over again. New job, new home, new relationship..whatever. Its a never ending cycle I have put myself on. I take full responsibility for the paths I have taken through life. Some I regret and some I don't. Most I just take for what they were. Living. Just living day to day like every other shmuck out there. I have had so many jobs and lived so many different places I have lost track. One thing has remained constant though after all these years. Not once have I felt content. Whenever I would start to feel comfortable something else would toss in its monkey wrench be it a women or a new boss or drugs or just plain laziness on my part. Whatever the cause it always has the same ending and we start anew. The chirping upstairs is a constant reminder of this.

I find myself now, sitting here finally able to get these words out and write them down . It has been a extremely strange week. Things had nearly imploded a month ago after I left the desk job. Ultimatum's were issued, tensions ran high but again I was able to save things at the last minute though the situation was less than desirable. First off it was putting myself and Jess into deeper debt with family and putting more pressure on us to perform. Jess has held up her end of the job dynamic wonderfully and I have kept the peace here on the homefront the best I could. We then introduced a tiny but significant dynamic to the Household. A Kitten. It went smooth at first but after some misunderstandings and other crap things went from bad to worse. The new job I took in town was a joke. I tricked myself into thinking I could handle a $5 an hour paycut and go back to doing the type of work I loathed and swore to never do again. Jess tried to warn me away from this path but I had no choice. I dove in and started the clock again. Things settled down and were running ok. That was until we fell down the rabbit hole. We were enveloped into a fog that hid some kind of vortex and we were sucked though and spat out the other side. Sounds crazy doesnt it?

This past weekend was the great escape. We traveled to Maine to visit Lord Duke at his Fathers chalet on Moose Lake. Jess and I had looked forward to this break for weeks and after a long sweaty work week and a some problems involving the kitten we were off. As expected it was a great time even if we may have overdone some of the partying. My cousin wrote a wonderful poem on Saturday evening that summed it up perfectly.

the fog

I told them to please bring along the fog
they did
reliable
faithful as Giesel's elephant
better than a five star chef with his shopping list of vital
ingredients
that's Gino when it comes to the fog
Gino and his companion Gwyneth
she of snow white skin, bottle green eyes, tangerine hair
he Italian handsome and of appetite, of a body that fluctuates with his level of comfort and stress
like a method actor changing roles twice yearly
I never know the role until I see him again
Packed on for Raging Bull, dropped for The Machinist, then once again robust for his part in the fiction we've been playing for years, as my attorney in HST's opus F and L.
Gino of my blood, my insecurities
Gino of dreams and potential that grow closer every day to certain fruition
he doubts
we all doubt
together we dream and hope and scheme
while humankind bangs its collective head against walls of ignorance
we cannot lose
we are the hope that the world unknowingly leans on
we are Roald Dahl's dreammakers
and we will have our day
for now, however, the fog is a comfort
the perfect accompaniment to Bridgeton drizzle and Moose Pond's water level rising with the rain, still rising
at dawn it reached the porch steps
by noon: the six steps up to the stoop
by three it had achieved our knees, our waists, and midway up our chests, such that now we needn't bend to brush our teeth
the South Pacific had its tsunami
then New Orleans in Katrina drowned
now it appears it's New England turn
and the water rises til it tops the chimney
but are we worried?
heavens no
for we have the fog
a panoply of prescription pills
one to cure every ill
and in the fog that Gino brought
we float and grow gills
breath long island ice tea and beer from the can
and in chorus say "Groovy" with campy Bruce Campbell
as Evil Dead 2 gurgles away on the sodden TV
and lest our gills fail us or the fog run out
I bring the screen tent up from the yard
set it up on the porch
against mosquito's you know
but we know there aren't any mosquito's
no killer bees
no vectors of West Nile
no bird flu
no me, no you
there is only the rain unceasing
and death for something to laugh at
as though anything could ever touch us down here
in the southern Maine sea
that in the fog, it seems to me, was only yesterday
a cabin in the woods by a pond
On the porch in the screen tent
Gwyneth exhale bubbles of smoke from her Camel Light
and like smoke rings they rise out of sight
to the now distant surface
watching them we giggle, we three
my cousin, his girlfriend and me
swathed in our secret we retire to the cabin
throw another log in the stove and
stoke the fire that still burns like magnesium under water
like thermal vents in the deepest of sea trenches
that spit fire and lava and breathe life into the dark
I think of Bob in Drugstore Cowboy
his comment about how most people never know
how they're gonna feel from one moment to the next
but a junky need only read the labels on the bottles
to know exactly how he'll feel
and I say "Gino, toss me the fruit basket."
He hands me the bottle full of colored pills like M&Ms
I take the red one and wash it down with a beer
because a moment ago, I could have sworn
I saw the fog begin to clear.
-Lord Duke (printed with permission)
jigglebox.com


It was a great time. We celebrated Jess's late Birthday and Rick's upcoming one. WE shared stories and watched scary movies and were entralled at some incredible photos from my cousins recent hike through Wyoming and Colorado. The rains finally broke on Sunday morning but I knew something was amiss right away. Jess had turned sour and none of us felt right in the head. I would have blamed it all on the partying but unfortunately this funk lasted for days. Up until today actually. To make a long story short Jess was completely miserable once we returned and I felt like I was hanging onto my last shred of sanity. I tried to get Jess to stay home with me on Tuesday and to decompress with me but she declined. She was smart to go to work. I wasn't. This sent our Landlord into a tizzy and it ended with he and Jess exchanging words that I have never heard spoken to either one in my life. It sounded like two school children arguing on the playground over a game of marbles. It was utterly ridiculous and sad at the same time. He had finally had it out with someone as pigheaded as he was. They both made some valid points but it didn't matter. The damage was done and again I was the main reason for the explosion. It was at that moment I realized we didn't belong here anymore and something was going to have to change and very soon at that. So for the next few days everyone kept their distance. We shuffled off to our jobs, Jess to her's which she has excelled at and made all of us proud and me to my pit of fear and loathing that takes every ounce of my being to go to. We barely spoke. We hid uptsairs and the chirp continued unabated.

Today Jess said she was coming out of it and I told her that was good. She apologized for some things and said she felt better. I hope she doesn't think this is all her fault. I hope she doesn't think I am mad at her. I am not. I love her very much and want so much better for her. Its not her at all.

Its me.



(to be continued..)