"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." ~ Henry Van Dyke


Van Dyke's quote makes me ponder the meaning of our existence. Not so much in the sense of why we are here but what the hell are we doing while we are here. The space in between birth and death. How much time will you spend being miserable? How much time will you spend happy and how much of that time will you spend in love. One of the most ridiculous and out right bullshit quotes of all time is "Life is what you make it". Anyone who has spent more than 18 or so years on this planet knows that this is a bunch of bunk. Life is where you choose to steer your ship, unfortunately the shallows and reefs of life can sometimes be unavoidable. Hence my ship sits here stuck on a reef, slowly putting on water.

"How long before we go down Captain?"
"Well that depends boy, how fast do you want to bale water?"
"I say fuck it and abandoned ship."

My brother made me get all teary eyed this morning. He called to check on me last night and left a message on my voice mail since I was fast asleep in a Valium induced coma. He just called to check in on me and at the end he said "love ya". The reason he was checking on me was because last night I found out that during the two days my girlfriend and I spent apart ( broken up) she slept with someone. The same guy she works with and the same one I have been suspicious of for months now. The same one I gave a hefty bitch slap upside the head too last night when I confronted them both about this little revelation. Jess only denied it for about 20 minutes. It did not really come as a shock. As of this writing she is taking the "we were broken up and I was confused" route but I am taking the fucking exit. Granted yes, she didn't technically cheat on me. I respect the fact that she did exactly what I asked of her 2 years ago. PLEASE break up with me if you are going to screw around. Well she did and then she came back to me but never mentioned what happenned and I did ask. This isnt exactly what I meant when I said leave me before you cheat. The coming back part wasnt in the original plan. Now anyone who has been in love before knows that something like this would change our relationship permanently and for the worse. If we tried to stay together it would be a disaster. It would only be a matter of time before we broke up again. I know Jessica and I know she is not a bad person and would not have deliberately try to hurt me. I just dont think she weighed the options. I dont hate her. I am just hurting inside and wish what happened never happenned. I wish she never got a job at that fuckin place she works at and I wish we comminucated with each other better. I hope my few Readers forgive me, I am pretty upset right now.

Now back to my brother. When he said "love ya" it really got too me. I don't think he has ever said that to me. He said it because he knows I am hurting and he had to witness 14 years ago when my High School sweetheart ceremoniously dumped me after nearly 3 years. I was destroyed. I think he is genuinely worried about me and that really warms me inside. I also thank him for breaking the news about this whole fiashaven'tbegin with. I havent been verylatelyto my brothea lottley and he has alot of tough issues to deal wia lotI lost sight of alot of things and realize that we are all human and that support an love should never be denied. You can always count on your brother to watch your back. I love ya too bro. I owe you one.

So what to do know? Get drunk and break stuff? Lose my job, piss everyone off and fuck the town whores? Naw. Been there and done all of that. The good news is I already had a plan a few weeks ago when we split the first time. I did put a few of the things in motion already (quitting smoking, diet, getting in shape etc.) so I am already part way there. Its gonna suck, no doubt about it. I have no idea what the next few weeks will have in store. At least I know exactly what I will go through emotionally it's just that I have to be sure to think positive and be constructive during the healing process. I love Jessica with all my heart and this is going to shred my current existence. I will recover though. I always do. My shell is thick now from years of abuse. Some of the abuse comes from others but a lot of it is self inflicted.

I am sick of hurting though. I am sick of putting effort into things and failing miserably. Sometimes I think it must be me. Maybe it is. Who knows. All I know is that this will be the termination of my fourth long term relationship under not so amicable circumstances. One thing Jess has going for her is that most of my ex's are doing fine now and are happily married. I could go into business for myself! Date me and find the man of your dreams!! Hehe. Ok, enough of feeling sorry for myself but its a fuckin rule you know. You should always be allowed some self pity. Its a given.

I want to apologize to my few faithful readers of my blog. I have been writing more about my fucked up life then the current events and beefs you are all used too. Dont give up on me yet. I will get back to business soon. I just have some things to straighten out. I want to ask you all a favor. When you get a chance call up a sibling, call your Mom or Dad, call your best friend. Call someone you love and tell em. Tell em you love em. It can really make someones day a little brighter.


J