My concession speech

I am pathetic.

and its over.

It’s been an extremely long week. Very taxing on my already feeble and tired mind. I feel as though the devil and an angel have been fist fighting between my ears and all I can hear through the commotion is someone that sounds a lot like Johnny Depp saying “buy the ticket, take the ride!” It’s not really a good or evil thing and I don’t even have to buy the ticket. It’s already bought and paid for. All I need to do is get on that plane and go. There is nothing more I want at this moment then to do this. So why don’t I? It will be an extraordinary adventure, a wondrous Gonzo trip out west where my cousin and I will surely give Hunter a send off worthy of a god. Lord Duke is incredibly excited to see me and for once we are inches away from actually getting to together for a planned adventure.

So Close.

So what is stopping me from going? When I first found out about the trip I said, right here on the beeflog that I would be going no matter what. Damn the torpedo’s and fuck em. I will be there. Well guilt has a funny way of weighing you down and stopping someone dead in their tracks. And yesterday I fell in quicksand. Yes, if I go I will certainly lose my job. Then my already growing debt will spiral out of control. No not to Visa or Ma Bell. Fuck all them. No corporate swine will ever keep me from doing what I want. No you see I owe family money. And by going away and losing my job will bring trouble my way and unfortunately trouble to some loved ones as well. So I am stuck. Stuck here to continue being miserable but god damn it I will have a job. For now anyway. I feel it’s not going to last long. So what’s the point? See! There goes the fight again! So I tried to change the times of my flights which would have screwed up the plan but at least allow me to leave after work on Friday. Sure enough there was a flight available. For a mere $200 more that is. At that point I gave up. Then this morning I received a wonderful and funny voice mail from my cousin and his friends in which they drunkenly yet sincerely serenaded me to come out west! “Take the ride!!”


I’m ashamed of myself. I am ashamed that due to predicaments that are totally my fault and that I have put myself in I am unable to join my cousin. It angers me to no end. I am making it my goal to NEVER be tied down to anything again. What I mean by this is that at the drop of a hat I want to be able to up and move. Take a trip, hike a mountain, or go to the beach. This would be considered a fairy tale life to most. Lord Duke has been doing it for over 20 years and he’s no fairy. God bless him.

Today in Aspen Colorado my cousin is meeting with an important person. Someone that may even be able to get him into Thompson’s memorial. Duke tells me last night, “If we both don’t get in then neither of us go!”. I wanted to tear my eyeballs out. I hope to god he gets in. I don’t want my indecisiveness to fuck up his chances. I know he had no intention of leaving me out. Unfortunately I have left myself out. This is really starting to bother me know. In or out it would have been a great time.

So my beloved Jessica, who has supported me during my current mental episodes even, supported the trip which would have meant her supporting me when I got back. She is a sweetheart even if she gave me an odd look when I told her I was building a 15ft gonzo fist in my backyard on Saturday night and planned on blowing it up with fireworks.
“Whatever works for you hun. “ she said.

So that is where I will be. Alone in the dark with my handmade fist alight, my one sole Gonzo Imperial Porter* in my hand, reading aloud from Thompson’s work. But somewhere inside I will know that I am missing out on what could have been the greatest adventure of my dull life. At least I will be warmed by the fact that Lord Duke, my cousin and friend will be there, channeling the ghost of Thompson and doing what he does best. Living in the moment and stopping the living fuck out of the terra.

Thank you cuz and I am truly sorry.


Dr.Gonzo

*Duke was kind enough to send me a full one. He has a case of the special brew ready in Colorado. I should have been there to share it with him.