A Dick in the Bush

(Its been a rough month in some respects. Been very busy, there were layoffs at my job and luckily I survived the first round. We had quite a bit of snow and extremely chilly weather up here in the North East. Most of the time I have been curled up in bed watching Miami Vice on DVD. So until I can figure out how to get my ancient IBM laptop to connect to my home network I don't foresee daily postings here. I truly want to write everyday. Each day I come up with great ideas to spew forth or silly stuff to bitch about then before I know it days or even weeks pass. I know someone stops by here cuz I get about 50 unique hits a week and for those of you keeping the faith I thank you! Don't give up! Keep stopping by, post comments or whatever and we will continue to bring the beef.)


Ahh, you knew this hilarious Newsbit would bring your Blogger out of hibernation didn't you? How the hell could I pass up a chance to make fun of Dick "Big Time" Cheney shooting some ole' dude in the face with bird shot. No it doesn't get any better than this folks. Is it trivial? Sure. Is it a non issue? Yup. But it still makes us laugh and in this dark age of politics and hate in our beloved country something like this comes along oh so rarely.

Still, the Bush White House still managed to bungle this one with its failure to report the accident right away. In fact over Twenty Four hours passed before anyone except a chosen few even knew Big Time shot his pal full of holes. He was warned about not having the appropriate "stamp" on his license though. I am glad they noticed that. The local Sheriff said it was "an accident" and that no drinking or drugs were involved. The Beeflog has garnered much attention from the political world and we have obtained this transcript of an interview with Vice President only minutes after the shooting. It was conducted by an unnamed local Sheriff.


Sheriff: So Mr. Vice President, can you explain the accident to me?

Dick: Well its quite simple really. Me and Old Harry were out here scaring up some pheasants. I had heard from an inside source at the CIA that there may be suspected Al Queda members down here posing as Hunters so I was on extra alert. I was on Orange.

Sheriff: Alert Orange? Ok, What made the CIA think Al Queda was here?

Dick: Well we have Joe's Bait and Tackle wiretapped and on one of the recordings we heard some Hindu's in here asking about Shotguns and things and as we all know those folks don't hunt. They only hunt good god fearing American's like myself.

Sheriff: Do you mean Muslims sir?

Dick: Hindu's, Muslims, gays, what's the difference? You know son, those tanned smelly folk with the silly accents. Anyhow, I was especially on my guard while we were scaring up game and Harry had to drain the lizard. I guess he had had too many beers... I mean beverages while we were waiting to hit the woods. As you know son, we are at war and its better to be prepared, kinda like the boy scouts. Were you a boy scout son?

Sheriff: Um, actually I was a Cub Scout, never made it to...

Dick:Don't matter, its all about being American you know. Its all about being a Patriot.

Sheriff: Um yeah, back to the accident sir?

Dick:Of course, so Harry walked off to drain the main vein and I swear I heard an Al Queda planning an attack off in them bushes over there.

Sheriff: You though you heard Terrorists planning an attack out here in the woods sir?

Dick:Is this an interrogation son? Who do you think you are Teddy Fucking Kennedy? You want me to get Attorney General Gonzalez down here and take a look at you and your family? That spick will turn your life inside out boy-o. Don't fuck with the bull or your gonna get the horns.....cough....cough........sputter....aaackkk...

(At this point the Vice President had a heart attack. He collapsed and had to be resuscitated by electric shocks to his heart and a shot of adrenaline. After a few minutes his medical team cleared him to continue with the interview)

Dick:Sorry about that. Shit that's two today already.

Sheriff:Sir, are you sure you don't want to continue this later?

Dick:No, I wanna get this over with. I got a dinner with my pals from Haliburton. I gotta straighten some stuff out over there after that damn dirty water issue in Iraq. I told them to at least filter out the big hunks of shit before giving it to the troops for their coffee. Total idiots over there! I mean who's not gonna notice one of the Cosby kids floating around in their Folgers?

Sheriff: Please Sir, the shooting?

Dick: Right! Sorry, the drugs for my ticker really throw me for a loop..says I shouldn't run machinery or drive.

Sheriff:..Or handle firearms?

Dick: Nope. Doesn't say nothing about guns smart guy. Anyway, so I swore I heard a plot being hatched and since we hadn't wiretapped that particular tree I couldn't get a good grasp on the plan. I figured I would take the initiative just like George says you know? Pre-Emptive strike so to speak. So I started blasting away at Al Queda. Instead ole' Harry pops up, his shriveled little pecker in his hand and POW! A face and side full of bird shot. Whoohee is he lucky to be alive! Luckily my entire medical team follows me everywhere and they were able to get him to the Hospital quick as shit. I even finished my hunt and ended up getting a few birds for my dinner.

Sheriff: So you're official story is you were drinking..um.. beverages and felt loopy from your heart medication, you thought you heard Al Queda planning a terrorist attack and blasted away before identifying your target and ended up shooting your friend instead?

Dick:That's what happened. Exactly.

Sheriff: Sir, I'm sorry but I am going to have to bring you downtown...

Dick:Hold on boy, I'm not done yet. Now that's what happened son but not the "official story". The Official story is: I was hunting, Harry came out of the bush just as some pheasants flew out, I aimed at the birds, fired and unfortunately some of the pellets hit him. It was an accident with no drugs,alcohol or tomfoolery involved. Wrong place at the wrong time deal. Happens all the time. In fact, we aren't even gonna break the news till after I visit my pals at Haliburton. How's that sound Sheriff?

Sheriff: But....

Dick: But what? Are you a Patriot officer? You ever been to Baghdad? You ever been audited by the IRS? Ever been ass-raped by Tom "The Hammer" Delay?? Well it hurts son, it hurts BIG TIME!!!! Get this commie fuck out of here!!

(At this time the local Sheriff was whisked away by Secret Service agents only to reappear when he announced the "official" version of events a full 24 hours later. Rumors claim Tom Delay was seen leaving the local Sheriff's office with a big ass grin on his face before the announcement. Ironically the above transcript was leaked to us by Scooter Libby and comes from a wiretap stuck inside the waste band of the Vice Presidents Fruit of the Loom boxer shorts, right under the name tag where Cheney's wife wrote "Dicks Drawers".)



I'm feeling frisky this week, I promise MORE coming SOON!!!


J


And to the ladies in the house, Happy Valentines Day.